Feverish thoughts of love and life

Maybe it was the fever, but being sick this week made me think about my family in an oddly morbid, yet thoughtful way. I was on the second floor of our house trying to weather the storm of what ever virus had grabbed a hold of me. My back hurt, my stomach was in one giant knot, I was feverish and for a number of hours had a genuine concern that I was more then just sick. At the height of my worry my children began to arrive home from school. Kelly worked from home this day so she was on the main floor to greet them and take care of the afternoons events. I was trying to find a comfortable position and get the sleep that I hoped would drive away all of these terrible aches, pains and concerns when I heard Cole come home from school.

I have these great conversations with my son Cole each day after school. He walks in through our garage, most days full of energy, then we talk about his day. He almost always tells me about some silly thing that he and his friends did, we go over test and quiz results and there is always a moment when we hug. Frequently we take the talk outside, throw a baseball around for a few minutes, and wait for Arden to get home. It's one of my pure joys as a stay-at-home dad. On this day, my sick day, Cole came in and found that I wasn't there. I don't get sick often so it was a bit of a surprise for him to hear from Kelly that I was upstairs in bed. He came up to check on me, but I was too ill to talk. When he returned to the first floor, I listened as he and Kelly had the conversation that we have together each day. I loved that Kelly was getting a chance to enjoy one of these moments with Cole. I heard him find a snack, get out his books, and begin his homework just as he does everyday. A little while later Arden and I made the last adjustments to her BG via text message, and I sent Kelly a note telling her that Arden would be home soon, where I thought her BG would be when she arrived, and that I was done for the day managing diabetes.

Arden soon arrived home, all of the noises and movement that I experience each day as a stay-at-home dad began to fill the air. I don't know why, and as I said maybe it was the fever, but I started imagining their lives without me. I guess I felt pretty sick, because I was pondering my mortality on a serious level. 

I've been the type of person throughout my life that thinks scenarios out to their end. What would I do if the house was on fire? How would I react if someone grabbed my child in a store? I have a contingency plan for all kinds of reasonable, yet unlikely moments. Here is a true, yet embarrassing admission, now this is sharing... I know what I'd ask a genie should one pop out of a lamp. I just wouldn't want to waste a wish, ya know?

Anyway, I spent the next few minutes listening closely to my family, and even though I already have a huge heart full of gratitude for what they mean to me; this moment took that feeling to a new, and higher level. I thought about throwing the ball with Cole, and how sad it was to consider never hearing one of his stories again. I wondered how Kelly would handle the afternoons with me not there? Who would help Arden with her diabetes when she was at work? I didn't realize that I would miss making them dinner or breaking up one of the ridiculous disagreements that they seem to have around 5:30 everyday.

My family means everything to me. I am sure they would eventually move on if I was gone, but it wasn't the idea of leaving them that made me sad, I mean it did but I was most struck by how difficult it was to consider not having the conscious notion of them ever again. I couldn't believe how much listening to them go about their day filled me with love and joy. It was obviously the concern in my mind about my health that led my thoughts to something unpleasant, but I am glad that I considered them. Life is so short, and it's easy to take the little stuff for granted. 

My fever has passed, and I'm no longer worried that I have something significantly wrong with my health. I decided to tell you this story in the hopes that you may take a few minutes and listen from another room to your family. Little moments and the pauses in between, that's where life and love live. We could all use a reminder of that now and then, this was mine. 

My No D Day post

I've been trying to decide if I should do something and I want to ask your opinion. I'm asking because this question has been on my mind a lot and I can't come to a definite decision. Today seemed like the perfect time to bring this up because I belive the question is centric to George's intentions for No D Day. I really need your opinion so please don't be shy.

I registered the URL for my name with the intention of publishing a simple website that identified me as the writer of 'Arden's Day' and 'Life is Short, Laundry is Eternal'. I imagined it would be no more then a landing page that linked to here and to information about the book, but lately I've been wondering if there would be interest and value to the site offering more.

I've been planning on blogging about the process of writing the book here on Arden's Day, but maybe those stories would make interesting content for my author landing page. 

So with that in mind, I have two questions:

• Do you think putting stories of writing the book on another blog is a good idea?
• If I did create another blog would you be interested in also reading some D-Free parenting stories there?

A big thank you to George for his idea to give the community a break from diabetes talk and a chance to speak to each other about other topics. Happy No D Day!

Ask Me Anything Answer: Kelly

I received this question from an anonymous poster on my 'Ask Me Anything' discussion board.

From posts and talks, it seems you are the only caregiver of Arden's diabetes. Understanding you're a stay at home dad, probably works easier that way, but I was curious how your wife is involved.

This is a great question and I am very glad that it was asked!

It was clear almost from day one that Arden's diabetes was a full-time job and that the 24/7 nature of the disease required a full day view of the events that not only transpired today but for the days prior. Those truths make handing Arden's care back and forth problematic. With that knowledge Kelly and I decided that one of us should be the primary and because I am a stay-at-home dad I was the obvious choice. If we were making the decision based on who was prettier, smarter or more detail oriented, Kelly would have gotten the job!

Arden's Day is written from my perspective and I don't share my stories in other's voices so it may seem like Kelly isn't as involved as she is. This is an unfortunate side-effect of blogging and why I was so glad to receive this question. I can be wordy so in an effort to keep my post to a readable length I avoid writing a lot of dialogue. Whether or not my writing is in any way special is up to the person reading it but I think my strength is bringing a reader into how I feel and allowing them to leave the text with the emotions that I experienced. I find that when a post has too much, 'and then he said this and I said that' things have a tendency to get muddled. In an effort to stay as short and sweet as my gabby mouth allows, I simplify some situations and combine characters. If Kelly and I confer for example, I may just relate that conversation to you as an inner monologue.

All that behind the curtain stuff aside... here are the ways that we manage things at our house.

During an average day I handle type I autonomously. I wake up every morning before Arden and check her BG and make adjustments if necessary so that she can begin her day with an in-range number. I come back into her room about 30 minutes before she eats breakfast and we pre bolus for the meal. During the school year Arden and I converse via text and phone throughout the day and make decisions together about her insulin, food and other type I needs. I am here when she arrives home and we take care of meals, bedtime and the rest. I wake up or often stay awake throughout the night to help keep her BG from causing issues as she sleeps... then we do it again. I take care of OmniPod changes, DexCom insertions, I order and maintain the supplies and go to the doctor's appointments. We handle things this way to make the best use of the knowledge base that continual exposure to type I care brings to me, not because Kelly can't or doesn't know how to handle them on her own. Kelly has a rather high pressure, long hour type of profession that uses a great deal of her time. We like to keep the time that she has left available, as best that we can, for her to enjoy our family. 

When all of this gets the best of me, and it frequently does, I reach for Kelly and she takes over until I can be ready again. Kelly will take an overnight for me a few times a month and there are days on the weekends when she manages Arden all day and night without my involvement to give me a break and keep her up-to-date with how Arden's type I management is morphing. It's difficult to pass care because there are so many little tricks that I use and adjustments that I make on the fly, these small but important decisions are bred from countless hours of managing diabetes and can't be easily passed on to another CareGiver. For example, I gave Arden more insulin this morning then I usually would have based on three factors; a BG that we got yesterday at the same time of day, the fact that she is on the first day of a new pod and a spike that I saw on her CGM overnight. You just can't teach that stuff and it takes a lot of time to absorb, if Kelly (or anyone else) were to have began the day caring for Arden they wouldn't have the benefit of those three experiences and would have no way to know that a change was required. In kind, I didn't know until I took the last steps of the morning and put it all together in my head. It really is true that diabetes management is more of an art then a science! 

I know from speaking to some of you that the method I described is very similar to how many two parent homes handle type I management. I think that each parent needs to have a working understanding of the way type I is handled because everyone needs a break once and a while and care shouldn't have to suffer during the moments of respite. I feel extremely lucky to have Kelly waiting to take the meter from me when I pass out, it's an ugly baton pass that very frequently begins with me slumping over on the sofa.

I'm going to borrow a passage from my own book and share it here. The book is only in it's first revision so this bit may or may not make it past editing but it will tell you all you need to know about Kelly and what she means to me and our family. I wrote this passage in the chapter that tells the story of Arden's diagnosis and subsequent hospital stay...

On the nights that are the hardest I think about Kelly in that crappy vinyl chair, sitting with sand in her ass, legs asleep and having to pee for the last twelve hours and I keep going in honor of what a great mom she is to our kids. I try my hardest to respect the fact that if our roles were reversed and Kelly was the one staying at home that she would provide daily that same level of care, love and concern that she did that day. I do what I do because it keeps Arden healthy, I do it because I love her, but I do it the way that I do it with Kelly’s example as my guide.

Blogging Diabetes Podcast (feat. Me)

Recently Tony Rose interviewed me for his podcast, 'Blogging Diabetes'. We talked about raising a CWD, my new book, 'Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal', I got a little mushy about my wife Kelly and much more. I hope you enjoy the episode and if you get the chance, I'd love for you to come back here and let me know how I did.

Direct link to Episode BDP 56

Blogging Diabetes on iTunes

Good morning from Chincoteague Island, VA

Good morning from Chincoteague Island, VA, we are are more then half way through our family vacation and i thought today would be a good time to check in with all of you and say hello. This morning around five Arden's DexCom CGM woke me when her BG dropped just below 90. I set a temp basal for an hour and snuck outside to take some pictures of the beautiful sunrise that the island enjoys. We are having a great week and I hope you are too! Lots of relaxing, fishing (we don't catch much), beach bumming and enjoying downtime together. I'm mixing in the last bit of writing I have before handing in my book, 'Life is Short, Laundry is Eternal' that is due to the publisher in a few days. Here are a few pictures from my sunrise photo walk that I just shared on Instagram... I guess that we'll be back to life before we know it, the kids just received their school schedules so they are beginning to countdown the days. Be well, I'll be back (too) soon.