Bravery

I just read a blog over at the D-Mom Blog about post pump change highs and while I was reading it I thought, “I’ve said all of this to myself about a thousand times”. You should go read it but in a nutshell, some people experience significant highs after a pump change that seem unexplainable and they are difficult to resolve.
I found myself asking Arden’s NP about this a few visits ago after I tried everything that I could think of. We’ve tried, bolusing from the old site before changing, bolusing right after a change, getting Arden’s BG on the low side before a change, avoiding food an hour before and after and on and on. Sometimes it’s worked and sometimes not, results that were not exactly anything to go on...
Our NP thought about my question and answered, “maybe it’s stress”.
I initially ignored the NP’s thought that the highs could be stress related because Arden handles the change process like a champ but last night she said something to me while we were changing her OmniPod that made me rethink things.
“My friends are lucky”, she said. “They don’t have diabetes and they don’t have to do all of this”. Then for a moment she looked really sad. We talked about other people and the trials that they face, I ended the conversation by talking about a few people that we know who are autistic and I asked her which she’d rather be. She thought and said, “autistic, because at least they can’t die from that, I could die”. We hugged and finished the change as I brought the conversation back to a good place - and then like a brave little girl, she was off to play.
For ten minutes last night Arden had to think about her health, her mortality and life in a way that most small children never do and you know what, it is stressful.
So here’s my new thought. A lot of us take solace in the fact that our kids are so brave but maybe that thought is more for us then it is for them. Maybe, while they are sitting there with that brave face and hardly flinching as we poke them, maybe they are thinking on a level that we aren’t aware of. Let me change that... they are thinking about serious personal issues on a level that we as parents are trying to pretend don’t exist. Pretending, perhaps because there is already too much to think about, too much to stress about.
I’m going to share this with my wife and suggest that we spend more time talking about type I with Arden then we do now. Right now it’s all management and getting through a day but I think that probably isn’t enough. Arden doesn’t just need a good daily outcome, she needs a good life-long outcome.
Thanks to Leighann for writing something that made me confront what I saw last night, I may have pushed it down otherwise.
That’s it. Something to ponder.
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