Life Is Short: Intent meets Doubt

I've painted more than my fair share of rooms in my life and by all accounts, I've done a very good job. The trim is always straight and the walls are evenly covered. I don't skimp on primer and I have decent eye for what colors work where. Even with all of my experience, I'd be nervous to walk outside with a ladder and paint the exterior of my home. A job like that seems too big for me to tackle and I wouldn't want to take on such a monumental challenge unless I was sure that I could deliver a great result.

That's what sitting down to write Life Is Short felt like. I had writing experience even though it wasn't in the form of book writing. I had the determination and I was confident that my story was a fresh look at an interesting, emerging social issue. As I wrote I felt good, the words felt good coming out and the text was taking the direction that I'd imagined. There were benchmarks along the way, my publisher looked at that the first 15,000 words and provided feedback. She made me feel like I was on the right track, her support gave me the confidence to believe in the direction I chose for my first book. I was sure that my intent for the book was materializing on the page, I couldn't ask for more.

When the day came that my manuscript was due, I handed it in with a lightness of heart. The book really did come out the way that I envisioned. I was more than pleased with what I had written but I struggled to hold on to that positive feeling in the days after I submitted the file.

Soon my stress level was through the roof. What if they didn't like it? What if my writing doesn't measure up? Doubt rushed in and clouded my every waking moment. I began to experience a stiff neck and it's grip intensified each hour that I didn't hear back. I couldn't think about anything other then my manuscript. A week later I stopped wishing for someone to tell me that they liked the book, opting to hope for any response, good or bad. I needed relief and decided that it would be better to hear that people hated my book rather than hear nothing at all. I was quickly lost in the mindset of a sixteen year old boy who had just passed a note to a girl he liked. I wasn't able to wait patiently for her reply. Did I make a mistake trying to take on such a big project? Was my house now the laughing stock of the town? I should have stuck to painting rooms.

It is incredibly difficult to put yourself out into the world in a way that invites critique. In this case I wasn't prepared for how crippling it would feel to lay my heart out for all to see. I put so much of myself into my book, told so many deeply personal stories. I needed someone to either circle yes on the note that I passed or send it back so we could get the pointing and laughing over with.

I did not expect to feel so exposed by the process.

Some early reviews have been good and I've received a few wonderful personal messages from folks that are reading advance copies. Responses have been very positive and heart-warming... I am happy to report that I can once again turn my head completely to the left.

I expect that there will be people that won't enjoy my book and that some of them may well take to the Internet to voice their feelings, but I'm okay with that possibility now. This process has given me the confidence to say, and mean, "I wrote a book that I am proud of, some will love it, some will like it, a few may not - but I know it is good. Felt good coming out and I should have trusted that feeling".

Looking back I see that I couldn't help the doubt, but it didn't emanate from insecurity the way that I initially imagined. My fear was rooted in a desire to please the reader, to please you. I can see now that I care deeply if you enjoy the experience when you read. My fondest desire is for you to leave the text richer then when you arrived... nothing else matters. Today I'm confident that can happen. I'm no longer nervous, that terrible feeling has been replaced by excited anticipation. Look for my next entry, Life Is Short: Amazon sometime soon.

Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal will be in stores on April 2nd but you can Pre-Order today.

Final Version of my Book Cover Revealed!

It's here, I'm giddy!

There isn't too much to say other then I am genuinely happy to be able to share the final version of the cover to my new book Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal here on Arden's Day before it appears anywhere else.

The cover will begin to populate on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other seller's websites in the coming days and weeks along with new and specific page length information, chapter titles and much more. You can Pre-Order a paperback copy today, eBook readers will have to wait until closer to the release date on April 2nd.

I've added a new page to Arden's Day that contains all of the information pertaining to the book. You can reach it by clicking on the cover in the sidebar, this link or at the heavy-handed and slightly embarrassing, 'Buy My Book' tab in the navigation bar.

Thank you all so much for taking this crazy ride with me, look for a new blog piece about type I diabetes coming tomorrow morning titled, 'Everyone Poops'... I know, what could that be about?

Life Is Short: Writing

There are in excess of 70,000 images in my iPhoto library. I've taken so many pictures over the years for two reasons. I enjoy photography, and the thought of Kelly and I looking at those pictures later in life makes me smile. Here in present day, I don't look at them all that often because we are too busy making new memories. I love that they are waiting for us and part of me is excited to grow old so that we can spend our days watching the images that made up our life as they glide by on a screen. I hope that we all get that chance, a victory lap of sorts. Raising children is difficult and I imagine that getting to look back and remember the journey so vividly after we have the benefit of knowing how everything worked out, is going to be the icing on our life's cake.

But that's a long way off... opportunities like that, they come at the end.

That's why getting to write my book was such a blessing. Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal is a difficult book to explain, when you read it you'll be left with a feeling, one that I think you'll be very happy that you experienced. However I worry some times that you might not be able to quantify the book after you've put it down, at least not in standard terms. Some days I can't decide if that possibility is a concern or a triumph. Is it a memoir, yes but no. Is it a parenting book, yes but no. Is it an uplifting read, definitely, but it doesn't belong on the inspiration shelf. Is the book about diabetes? In some ways it is completely, but then not really. Did I write a book that's nothing more than stories from my life as a stay-at-home dad? No, they are so much more than that.

Privilege.

Far and away the most intense feeling that Lynne's phone call left me with was one of privilege. Perhaps my book will sell five copies, and maybe it will sell fifty-thousand, who knows. The one thing I do know is that it will be published, bear my name and forever be associated with me. If I were to step off of a cliff tomorrow, my book will stand as the culmination of what the last forty-one years has taught me. I took that responsibility very seriously. Is the book just a bunch of stories, no. Could it have been, certainly it could have. I've had some intensely funny and interesting experiences in my life and I could have easily told them in a way that you would have enjoyed, but then they would have just been stories. I wanted to put my name on a book that was more then just entertainment. I wanted to leave a record that my children could proudly read as adults. A book that you would enjoy, respond to and perhaps retain.

I wanted my book to be more then just a a way to pass a few hours.

So I did something that I wish for all of you. I spent time thinking about my life. Not just a moment of reflection, not a day, but months of days. I was able to look back through my mental photographs and locate the moments that impacted me, the process allowed me to retrace my steps and see, from a new perspective, where the knowledge that I've accumulated originated. I got to relive my life through my now more mature eyes. That time was a gift. This opportunity was a treasure, one that I worked hard to share with you. I hope that I did that, I guess we'll all know shortly if I succeeded.

Is the book funny, yes! Will it make you cry, oh yea. Will you think, feel, love? Will my moments cause you to look back at yours thoughtfully, I think so. I'm most proud that Life Is Short brings it's readers to these emotions without preaching, I desperately didn't want to be that person and I'm confident that I succeeded.

I don't want you to think Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal is some bore fest from an overly earnest guy. Because oh no it is not, these are entertaining stories full of truth and real life. It looks at parenting, marriage, sex, love, loss, renewal and the moments when all of those things begin to make sense.

Life Is Short is a love letter to the women that so thoughtfully do what I do everyday, a reality check for those who don't see that job for what it really is and my addition to the world of books that I'm getting very excited for you to be able to read it.

The next entry in this series is tentatively titled Life Is Short: Intent Meets Doubt.

Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal has its own FaceBook page, you can visit it at this link or kindly like it with the button below. 

A Day in the Life of a Diabetes Dad

I want to thank the Co-founder and President of Diabetes Daily David Edelmann for inviting me to contribute periodically to his wonderful site. Moreover, I want to thank him for understanding when I expressed my desire to repost on Arden's Day, in it's entirety, my work after it had run on his site. This is not the norm and generous of David to agree to. Reposting is not an attempt to "double-dip", it is being done so that all of my diabetes writing can be housed on Arden's Day for reasons of backup, cataloging and posterity. Please know that I was not paid for writing on Diabetes Daily nor did I compensate them. With that said, here is my second piece for Diabetes Daily as it ran on December 26, 2012.

What do you imagine was the most difficult aspect for me when I sat down to tell you about a ‘Day in the Life’ of a child and her father who are living with diabetes?

The most difficult part was deciding where to begin chronologically…because our day never really ends.

Since I’m not a fan of blog posts that read like log books, I’ll spare you the “7:15… my alarm goes off” style that comes to mind when you hear, ‘Day in the Life’ and instead tell you a few stories that will bring you closer to understanding a typical day as it plays out in my head, heart and home.

My daughter Arden is eight years old. She’s had type 1 diabetes since a few weeks after her second birthday. I have been a Stay-At-Home Dad for coming up on thirteen years. Before diabetes, morning were hectic, but now….

Drag a comb across my head:

I wake up each day one hour before Arden so I can make adjustments to her blood glucose if they are needed. I decided a long time ago that I would always do my best to make sure that Arden can begin each day with a steady and in range BG. I don’t have type I so I don’t know for sure, but I’ve spoken with adults who do and their descriptions of high and low BGs is heart wrenching. I can think of no worse fate then not feeling in your mind and body like yourself. So even though I know Arden’s BGs won’t be perfect throughout the day, I make sure that she doesn’t have to wake up feeling less then what she deserves.

I make adjustments to her BG around 6:30 am. That’s usually enough time to coax a high number down or a low number up with a negative temp basal. That way when she wakes I can pre-bolus for breakfast, giving her Apidra time to begin it’s fight while she runs through her daily fashion routine. I like to see at least a diagonal arrow down on Arden’s DexCom G4 before she begins to eat breakfast.

#&@#*&$ breakfast is a bitch isn’t it? I’ve taught myself how to let Arden have what she wants in the morning while mitigating her BG spike. It took a long time to find the combination that held that spike down without causing a low three hours later. Most days my system works, but you know, sometimes not so much.

I just became comfortable this year with a lower BG and descending CGM arrow as Arden steps on to her bus. I know that the food will quickly play it’s part during that ride to school, I trust the science of it now but that trust took years to build. Somewhere along that bus ride, the dance begins. Some days I lead, some days diabetes leads. Each new day is a surprise that I meet with a calm that only years of living with diabetes can lend to a person. “Here we go,” I hear those words in my head as Arden walks down our front lawn everyday. Here we go!

Arden is in third grade:

This is a big year for us in regards to diabetes management (sorry, I know some don’t like calling it management, I don’t particularly like it either but it makes the point) in school. During Arden’s first three years she would visit the nurse at every BG check, bolus, and before and after activity and food. This year is way different and very exciting. Arden carries her cell phone with her throughout the day and she and I converse, mostly through text message, making decisions about testing, food, and everything else. She has yet to visit the school nurse this year for one, not one, diabetes related issue. It’s like the coolest thing ever!

Arden’s phone has reminders set and she texts me the information that I need to help her make decisions about her diabetes management. If the reminder doesn’t get her attention, thats okay, my phone has them too. Most conversations go like this:

Arden: 127 diagonal up (we use an emoticon arrow)
Daddy: Okay, let’s look again in 20 mins.
Arden: Now it’s 150 and steady.
Daddy: Leave that, text again at next reminder.
Arden: k
Daddy: Love you.

Arden carries a small bag that holds her phone, OmniPod PDM, lance, a juice box, bit of candy and extra supplies with her throughout the day. We briefly speak before lunch to talk about her bolus and if she feels like she can finish her meal. It’s a lovely way to do things that wasn’t easy to set up on the school side, it took time and patience but I’m so happy that I handled things the way that I did. We’ve slowly built a solid relationship and no one is happier then the school that Arden is no longer missing class to visit the nurse.

If I struggle with BGs, and of course I do, the worst time is after school:

The bolus that is needed to hold down a lunch time spike is bigger then I’d like because there is no opportunity for Arden to prebolus the meal. Recess is immediately before lunch. No big deal but it does leave her CGM line drifting down around 4:30 p.m. It’s a slow decline but one that needs to be addresses with food. I can’t make basal changes to help because, as anyone with diabetes can tell you, it doesn’t happen consistently. I strongly dislike the pre dinner snack. I frequently under value the carbs or the bolus doesn’t have time to work before dinner. Something always gets askewed this time of day.

Dinner, practices, homework, shower, bed:

If only it were that easy. Dinner bolus, I am always later with that bolus then I want to be. Then there’s that small but normally stubborn post meal spike. Nothing of course makes homework more of a chore then it already is then a high BG. During the spring and summer Arden has softball, during the winter, it’s basketball. My son Cole has the same schedule and so this time of day goes by the fastest, it’s the most difficult to maintain control of and It sucks.

Dad, I’m hungry:

The bedtime snack adds three more hours to my management day, “three hours,” who am I kidding, it’s more like five. We always get a nice pre bolus in before a bedtime snack but Arden’s BGs can be difficult at this time of night. It’s a literal crap shoot. The correct amount of insulin is always either too much or not enough. On the evenings that everything actually works out as intended, I genuinely don’t know what to do.

It’s between 9 p.m. and 2 a.m. that I get the most done around the house. Laundry, dishes, a little TiVo. I’m generally exhausted by 10 pm having spent my day literally living my life and mentally walking through Arden’s, but this is not the time to rest. Diabetes keeps on chugging along. Having a CGM makes the entire exercise significantly easier. Back in the day I’d be sneaking into rooms to test at set intervals, now those test are less frequent and the new DexCom has a great signal range so often I can keep it with me, eliminating the need to run back and forth to Arden’s room.

With some luck Arden won’t need more insulin after she has gone to sleep, but I’d estimate that she does about three times a week. I don’t go to sleep until I’m sure that there is no more active insulin in her body. On good nights I hit the pillow around 1 am. Most nights it’s 2, but 3 or 4 isn’t unheard of.

I’ve taught myself to live well on five hours of sleep, I normally get those hours between 2 and 7 am. It’s all worth it when Arden wakes up in range.

I guess that is why I choose to begin this story in the morning, not because it’s the beginning to my day chronologically, my days don’t feel like they begin or end. Quite honesty, my days haven’t felt like they’ve reset since the day Arden was diagnosed.

I think that I choose the morning because her face renews me everyday when I see her open her eyes feeling like herself.

Life Is Short: Where do I Sign

It was the Monday after Lynne's pitch meeting and I was folding laundry when my phone rang. This would seem like foreshadowing if I wasn't practically always doing the laundry. I was standing in Arden's room, putting her clothes onto hangers when I heard Lynne's voice come through the phone. I have to admit that I knew right away that her call must be good news. I mean, who would call with bad news that early in the week?

My table of contents and outline made a good impression at the pitch meeting and I was going to be offered a contract to complete a book based on my idea. Lynne's words took my breath away. I almost immediately pictured a book spine with my name on it. The little boy inside of me, the one that always wanted to write, he was smiling! I didn't know that I could still feel so childlike at my age.

We spoke about the reality of delivering a manuscript and when Lynne asked me if I could do it, I said "yes" immediately, but I had no idea to be honest. The most I write on Arden's Day is seven hundred, maybe a thousand words at a time. I had conscientiously taught myself to be brief for blogging (I know that I do go on longer sometimes) and I wasn't 100% sure that I could write in a longer form in a meaningful way but I was going to find out. A number of days later I was reading my first book contract, it's no windfall mind you, but I was inching closer to becoming a published author and it felt astonishing freeing and terrifyingly constraining all at once.

I'd tell you more about what Lynne said on that call but who knows, I can't remember one word that she spoke after the reality sunk in... I was going to write a book. My brain was throwing a party and dancing with a lamp-shade on it's head. When the music stopped I pulled myself together and called my wife. I told Kelly that Lynne asked me if I could delivery a manuscript on time, Kelly replied, "can you?".

"Yes, I think I can..."

I spent a couple of weeks finding out the true answer to that question. I wrote at much greater lengths to find my voice in long-form. I wouldn't call what I wrote an outline, that wouldn't be fair to outlines. It was perhaps more like a stream of conciseness about what I thought the book was. Some of the sentences in that exercise exist now in the book, some times word for word and others in tone or theme. Mostly, I just needed to prove to myself that I could tell my story in a way that hopefully would be meaningful and well received. 

I was nervous during that process for reasons that had little to do with writing a book. First off, this was a life-long dream. I couldn't imagine what I'd feel like if crafting a book was something that I couldn't do. What if I had no ability to accomplish the thing that I spent two decades believing that I was meant to do. What if it sucked? What if I like it and no one else responds to it? What if I let my wife down? I remember vividly being in my early twenties and telling my then girlfriend that I wanted to be a writer. Now here I am almost twenty years later and I was getting the chance to make good on my wish. I didn't want to let Kelly down, I didn't want to let myself down and I really wanted my kids to see that wishes can come true. Most of all, I wanted to write a book that impacted someone. I wanted to make a difference. So I wrote and wrote and didn't stop until I loved my voice at three thousand words the way that I do at seven hundred. When I found my legs, I typed out the first topic from my table of contents onto a blank page and began to write you a book.

I didn't have the courage to read those first words for a few days. When I did finally find the nerve, I never looked back.

In my next entry Life is Short: Writing I want to tell you about the catharsis that accompanied me as I wrote. It was a once in a lifetime feeling that I wish for everyone and a gift that I won't ever forget.

Life Is Short, Laundry Is Eternal has it's own FaceBook page, you can visit it at this link or like it with the button below.